Wednesday, October 17, 2012
While you are attempting to remove all traces of pee and maybe a few layers of skin so you can feel somewhat clean again you start thinkin... god damn mo fo's!!! Who doesn't wipe their pee off the seat?! I mean OK some people don't want to sit down, fair enough, but if you are going to pull the hover craft move feel free to lift up the seat and pee all over the rim. Guys manage to do it all the freaking time so us women folk should be able to master the skill. I mean seriously!!! If you piss on the seat wipe it up! I am lazy, I have been wearing heels all night long and I'd like to take that 30 seconds to sit down, relieve myself and take a load off for half a bloody minute. Meanwhile you've got some women that seem to think of themselves as their own little personal yellow sprinkler system for the toilet cubicle. I mean it's a pretty big hole to aim into, I'm not quite sure how these chicks are missing the bowl!!! It's like they are trying to cover the toilet seat in a ring of wee. And then they think...I should leave this for some nice lady who is dying for a wee, so she busts in a pops a squat and ends up with wet thighs. Yeah that would be nice. That would be a really super nice thing to do. Sounds freaking absurd doesn't it!!! That is why I cannot figure out what the hell these girls are thinking! What are you thinking you crazy pee bandits? Huh?! What the bloody hell is wrong with you, you bunch of god damn weirdos!!! I mean you must be at least 18 to get into these places because they serve alcohol so you have have roughly 15 or 16 years of practice peeing, taking into account the first few years of diapers, and I am almost 100% positive that you do not piss all over your own toilet at home. So what exactly happens when you come into a public restroom after having a few drinks that makes you completely lose control of your vagina? It's like it becomes detachable and starts dancing around on the toilet seat like a showgirl from Vegas all the while spraying like the fountains at the Bellagio. WTF?!
I'm asking you ladies, pleading with you, please figure out how to sit down and wee like a normal person or lift up the lid like a dude and pee all over the rim if you must but if you could kindly refraining from spraying on and around the toilet like your own personal fire prevention system that would be great.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I even forgot my own family members name once. An exceptionally brilliant moment on my part! I was talking to my cousin, who is a wonderful man and a loving husband & father. I was saying goodbye on Skype and told him to tell his wife I said hello and I went to say "please give _____ (insert his daughters name here) kisses from me" and I completely forgot her name. JACKASS!! Who forgets a family members name!! Well I will tell you who... this asshole, me. Total blank!! I just sat there on the video link going um, ah, mmm, uhhhh until my mom threw me a freaking bone and said her name for me. Way to go me! Jerk face! Probably wont be getting a Christmas card from them this year huh. Now I know what you are thinking... were you kicked in the head as a child? Or perhaps had some kind drowning accident that limited blood flow to the brain? And the sad part is that, no I didn't. I have no reason that the intelligence sack rolling around inside my cranium doesn't seem to function in a normal way. Apparently my skull has some very very tiny holes where my brain juice seeps out, along with all the names I've ever heard. Maybe it's crowded in there. Maybe my other spazzy brain cells are having a dance party in there and the names, well they want to get out in the world and be amongst it. And it's not even just the names that I struggle with, it's also the faces. There has been many an occasion where I swear to god I have never met these people before but low and behold... apparently I have! Maybe it's because I'm often drinking at parties when one is introduced to people and maybe it's my body's way of saying I should lay off the booze! On the other hand I have also recognised people that I have never ever met before which can be equally awkward. Especially when you hug those people.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The worst queue is probably the one at the ATM. I mean I am a chick and I am getting out money so maybe you don't want to stand so close to me that I can feel you breathing on the back of my neck and I'm pretty sure that you just memorised my pin number as I entered it. In my head I am thinking shit, you are a crazy robbing psycho killer and now you are going to try and jump me on my way to the train station and clean me out for all I'm all worth and then tie me to the train tracks. In this instance it would be a bad decision on your part mister robber as I have approximately $12 dollars left in my account and you can't even get that outta the machine because its less than $20 bucks so the joke is on you buddy!! But this whole scenario going on in my head has stemmed from you being all up in my business at the ATM. Just back up people!! I've included a handy diagram to give you a basic understanding of personal space.
OK so the red space is listed as Intimate Space. Now for me personally I would take that as... "unless we are sharing a bed each night you need to get the hell away from me" space. Moving on to the orange space which is listed as Personal Space. This would mean friends and family, people that I willingly hug and kiss, not crazy ass mo fo's who are in training to be my shadow. Now there is the green space listed as Social Space, as in people I know not creepy strangers that I think just smelled my hair ewwwww! And finally dun dun na naaaa we have Public Space in greeny blue. This area should be where all you freaking weirdos should be standing!! Wayyyyyyyy far away from me, not creeping me out!! So let this be a lesson to all you close talkers and personal space invaders. The next time your in a queue and your attempting to be the hunch on someones back, just take a deep breath and a few steps back before they turn around and spray you in the face with mace.
Monday, July 23, 2012
I wait for another minute and the blabbering continues and continues until I decide that the time has come. I have to tell them to shut the hell up before I spontaneously combust with rage. But I think... OK deep breaths! No stabbing. You can do this and not be violent. Try to be nice! Think nice, polite thoughts. You can do it! So I turned around, for the tenth time in 5 minutes, and tried to decrease the DEF CON level 5 death ray shooting out of my eyeballs and said "Could you please be quiet?" and they said "yes, sorry" and no stabbing had to take place! It was amazing! They were even quiet for the rest of the movie which was a freaking miracle and a half. Now I feel like I will be able to take on any and all movie talkers. I might become a movie talker vigilante taking justice into my own hands and silencing talkers everywhere, well at least in Fremantle where I go to the movies. I will take on the blatant loud talkers, that have entire conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the movie. I will also strike down people that are attempting to whisper but that don't actually know the key steps to whispering. I will go through a step by step process for whispering just to lay it all out on the table for those who can't seem to get the hang of it. I know what you are thinkin... who the hell can't whisper? We are not talking complex problem solving thought processes here! Yet through my movie going experiences I have found that there are many people who suffer from unable to whisper-itis. You may recognise them from these telling symptoms, 1. Using either loud or normal volume voices while attempting to whisper. 2. Trying to whisper without actually leaning in toward the whisperee. 3. The whisperer may seem unaware they are in a movie theatre. 4.They might wonder why it's so dark and why the TV is so big. If you or someone you know have been experiencing these symptoms I can confirm that you suffer from unable to whisper-itis. Now what you need to do is A. Be aware that when you buy your ticket to get into the movie you are no longer in your house, there are lots of other people in the theatre with you and they don't wanna hear you! B. When attempting to whisper you need to actually lower for your voice in order for this technique to be effective.
C. Lean in toward the person you are whispering to and point your quiet little mouth in the direction of their ear. D. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. This is not the time to discuss your dissertation on skinny jeans and why they make grown men turn into pre-pubescent boys, save those burning questions for after the movie. If you can stick with this easy program you too will be able to master whispering. If you can't master whispering please just shut the hell up for the entire movie so I don't have to come over and stab you in the eye with the pointy end of my ice cream cone.
Monday, July 09, 2012
Monday, July 02, 2012
I usually ride my bike and take the train, those are my two main modes of transportation. My third mode of transportation is driving and while I do like driving, I only really enjoy it when I am not stuck behind idiots! I have come to find that Driving Idiot Free or D.I.F. times are few and far between in Perth. There are a few basic rules of the road that people either seem to A. Not know or B. Not care. Silly little things like merging or driving the speed limit. Now these would be basic issues that most license holding people would know about but in Perth I'm not exactly sure what the process is to obtain a license. I think that maybe you just queue up and pay the department of transportation. Then they just hand them out all willy nilly. I'm pretty sure that there isn't even a test and you probably don't even actually have to get into a car. The thing that makes me the most irate and that happens every single freaking time I get into the car is people who can not seem to manage to go the speed limit. I am regularly amazed that people travel at 5, 10 or 15 K's under the speed limit. The only other place I've seen this crazy phenomenon is back in America in Pennsylvannia but they were Amish people and driving a horse and buggy. Even if I am not in a hurry I want to get where I am going!! Do these people really not have anything better to do than cruise around doing 50 K's in a 60 zone? Who the hell really wants to spend more time than needed in the car? I mean maybe hoons and petrol heads but they have unnatural love affairs with their cars in a similar way that normal people have love affairs with other people. But I want to know why!! I need to know why!! Why can you not just drive the god damn speed limit? Is it asking too much?! Are you really not looking at the speedometer for the entire journey? Is it a pro active safety thing? Or are you really just mentally retarded and not quite sure what all those signs with the numbers mean on the side of the roads? I've included a photo of the speed limit sign just so we can all familiarize ourselves with what they look like. Now when you see a sign like this what you should be doing is making sure the little numbers on your speedometer are, at the very least, the same as the numbers on the sign. I personally like to go 5 K's over the speed limit but that is just me. So what have we learned? The number in the red circle needs to match the number on your speedo. Well done! Now lets try to remember this little lesson forever until you die or can no longer drive a car, what ever comes first.I would be happy with either.
When I'm driving behind someone who is going under the speed limit I find that screaming curse words at the top of my lungs helps me deal with the rage that wells up inside me. I also find that that holding my fingers up repeatedly showing the numbers 6 then 0 (if I'm in a 60 zone) helps by making the driver ahead of me realize that the speed limit is actually 60 just in case they are unaware. In the end none of this actually seems to make them go any faster but all of the screaming helps ease my pain a little bit. One of the other little "traffic violations" that sends my blood pressure into the stratosphere is driving on the freeway. The reason this act makes me certifiable is because people in Perth do not seem to realize that the three different lanes have three different purposes.
The left lane is the slow lane which means all the people who love to drive under the speed limit should always be in the left lane. ALWAYS!!! END OF STORY!!! GET IN THE LEFT LANE BEFORE I HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU TO YOUR HOUSE AND STAB YOU IN THE EYEBALLS AND BREAK YOUR FEET SO YOU CAN NO LONGER DRIVE!!! The middle lane is for people who like to do the speed limit (we like them!). The right lane is for people who like to go faster than the speed limit (we love them!). If you are in America please reverse the above order and all you slow bitches should be in the right lane. Now this system is tried and tested around the world and is very effective! But Perth-ites have not seemed to grasp this magical system. So when I'm driving I usually get stuck behind people who are all doing 90 in a 100 zone spread across all three lanes so that I am essentially blocked in and not able to pass on any side. When this happens I revert to my tried and tested stress relief technique of screaming swear words as loudly as possible. Now where I come from if you are driving down the freeway and someone comes up behind you travelling at a faster speed than you, you move over into the other lane and let them go by. This is a another proven method that is incredibly effective because then everyone can go how ever fast or slow they like and it all flows nicely, unlike the Perth system where everyone in the three lanes are all going ten K's under the speed limit which makes going the speed limit or passing a distant dream. For the love of Christ people follow the god damn system!!! You obviously don't need to be in the fast lane when you are not even able to go the speed limit!! You all make me want to stab myself in the face over and over again so that I don't have to witness this level of stupidity. This is not some kind of complicated technical procedure just move your car into the bloody left lane you bunch of fucking idiots!!!! What is wrong with you? Were dropped on your head as a child or did your sibling try to drown you as a toddler and the lack of oxygen to your brain caused permanent damage which makes it difficult to do little things like drive in the freaking slow land if you are not physically able to drive the speed limit? The other thing that can be very tricky here in WA is mergeing. I know what your thinking... Well yes mergeing is extremely difficult!! Who am I kidding you are not thinking that because you are not a moron!!! Mergeing is easy! One car goes then another car goes. Simple yes? Think of it like a zipper and the cars are the teeth they start out as two separate lanes and the fit together one after another to make one lane. I hope this verbal illustration has helped enlighten the people who suffer from unable to merge-itis. Maybe they should make a video of a zipper and show it to the people queuing up for licenses. Also when you are mergeing and you feel the need to speed up to get in front of someone make sure you can at least do the speed limit after getting in front of them. Because when you speed up to be in front and then proceed to do ten K's under the speed limit you make me want to rear end you repeatedly. The final item on my D.I.F shitlist is the stop and turn. This manuver is when you are turning a corner and feel the need to put your foot on the break just about bringing the car to a stand still in order to turn the corner. This is not necessary and also makes me want to stab you and/or possibly rear end you. Millions of people manage to figure out how to turn corners ever day without actually having to stop the bloody car in order to do so. One day I have dreams of driving without screaming or getting stabby. Maybe I should just start taking Valium instead.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Now on to the people who do take the call or better yet lets discuss the people who make calls from the train. While the train is a public space, you are not actually outside and even though you are sitting down and the train has wheels and moves in a forward motion you are not sitting by your self in your car. It's kind of like you are sharing a really big car with a whole bunch of people you don't know. And we don't want to hear about your day, week, month or year. We especially don't want to hear about this guy you met last night as you drank cheap champagne and although he is kind of cute you're not really into him because you don't really want a boyfriend right now. We also don't want to hear about your test results from god knows what or that you thought you might be pregnant from that hipster bartender you slept with that one time a month or so ago. We don't want to know about your cat or your car or your leaky sink or how bad your cramps are OK?!!! Basically we don't want to know anything about you. We just want you to shut the hell up because you are making our ears bleed and we all want to punch you in the face. Or is that just me? Ok it could just be me. To be honest I can't believe you are still on the phone because we left the station almost twenty minutes ago and I have been staring you down with my "I want to rip your hair out" laser look for the entire ride and really I'm surprised you have not melted into a puddle on the floor from the shear heat of my hatred.
I can not even begin to fathom who would use their daily commute as a time to call their Mum or their best mate to catch up for a half an hour. You can not tell me that you have so much going on in your super interesting mega busy life that you would not be able to find 20-30 minutes where, say... you would be in your own home and could call someone at your leisure. The more you talk the more I just want to kick you in the mouth. I have my headphones turned up and I can still hear your shrill tone bleeding in through my lovely music. Who can even talk that much so early in the morning? It pains me just to wake up and keep my eyes open let alone speak to anyone for any type of extended period. I know what you are thinking... "why don't you just say something and ask her to get off the phone?" It's a good question and basically the answer is that I pride myself in being a non violent person and despite the fact that I regularly want to stab people in the face, I have some level of self control and manage to refrain from said stabbing. Plus I am afraid that if I ask her to get off the phone and she doesn't that I might have to kill her and that is just not how I want to start my day. They have horrible outfits in prison, I think you have to get up early every day and I'm pretty sure vodka is not allowed, all of which are a deal breaker for me!