I did not pay $18 for this shit!!

I like going to the movies. I like the whole thing of having a night out and getting choc bombs and popcorn, I like the previews, I enjoy the whole process. Well maybe not the part when you are running to the bathroom in the middle of the movie because you have eaten half a bucket of salty movie popcorn (they only come in large, mega huge and ginormous feed a small village size) which leads to drinking an entire litre of water. The thing that drives me absolutely bonkers is when people are talking during the movie, or even the previews because hey they are kind of like little mini movies, and really I didn't pay almost twenty bucks to hear some assholes converse about how their bloody day was.  If you desperately need to chat with your partner or your mate maybe you should meet before hand so you can get it all out of your system. Or if you don't have time to meet up beforehand you can always save up your thrilling news until after the movie.  Just think of the shivers of anticipation you will feel knowing how exciting it's going to be to discuss your mundane life after the movie! I mean what, have these people not seen each other for 5 years and they are choosing to meet at the movies to reminisce? I was at the movies the other day and these two women come in late. The movie has already started and they proceed to sit down and shoot the shit. Now by this stage I'm turning around and giving them the stink eye but that doesn't seem to deter them in the least. So I'm thinking that maybe its too dark for them to see the fierce hatred shooting out of my eyes and they can't tell that I want to stab them in the mouth with a javelin.

I wait for another minute and the blabbering continues and continues until I decide that the time has come. I have to tell them to shut the hell up before I spontaneously combust with rage. But I think... OK deep breaths! No stabbing. You can do this and not be violent. Try to be nice! Think nice, polite thoughts. You can do it! So I turned around, for the tenth time in 5 minutes, and tried to decrease the DEF CON level 5 death ray shooting out of my eyeballs and said "Could you please be quiet?" and they said "yes, sorry" and no stabbing had to take place! It was amazing! They were even quiet for the rest of the movie which was a freaking miracle and a half.  Now I feel like I will be able to take on any and all movie talkers. I might become a movie talker vigilante taking justice into my own hands and silencing talkers everywhere, well at least in Fremantle where I go to the movies. I will take on the blatant loud talkers, that have entire conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the movie. I will also strike down people that are attempting to whisper but that don't actually know the key steps to whispering. I will go through a step by step process for whispering just to lay it all out on the table for those who can't seem to get the hang of it. I know what you are thinkin... who the hell can't whisper? We are not talking complex problem solving thought processes here! Yet through my movie going experiences I have found that there are many people who suffer from unable to whisper-itis. You may recognise them from these telling symptoms, 1. Using either loud or normal volume voices while attempting to whisper. 2. Trying to whisper without actually leaning in toward the whisperee. 3. The whisperer may seem unaware they are in a movie theatre. 4.They might wonder why it's so dark and why the TV is so big.  If you or someone you know have been experiencing these symptoms I can confirm that you suffer from unable to whisper-itis.  Now what you need to do is A. Be aware that when you buy your ticket to get into the movie you are no longer in your house, there are lots of other people in the theatre with you and they don't wanna hear you! B. When attempting to whisper you need to actually lower for your voice in order for this technique to be effective.

C. Lean in toward the person you are whispering to and point your quiet little mouth in the direction of their ear.  D. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. This is not the time to discuss your dissertation on skinny jeans and why they make grown men turn into pre-pubescent boys, save those burning questions for after the movie. If you can stick with this easy program you too will be able to master whispering.  If you can't master whispering please just shut the hell up for the entire movie so I don't have to come over and stab you in the eye with the pointy end of my ice cream cone.