Because so many people have little to no common sense and I have no patience and find shutting up difficult.
Monday, July 09, 2012
Pro Ninja Yoga
I went to Yoga the other day. It was first time in a long time. I googled beginner Yoga classes in Freo and checked out times, locations and prices. I picked a beginner class only 5 minutes from home at a somewhat reasonable time. By reasonable I mean not in the morning. It's hard enough getting up early as it is and the thought of waking up an hour and a half earlier to go get bendy with a bunch of people I don't know doesn't sound super awesome to me. I still have to haul ass from the train station after work, strip down, put on yoga friendly clothes and get something food like down my neck so that I didn't try to either A. Eat the teacher or B. Yell at her due to my "hanger" issues. Just for anyone that doesn't know "hanger" (it's pronounced like Anger with an H at the front) is when you get angry because you are hungry. It can affect any number of people at any time, your wife, your brother, your mom or dad. No one is safe from the affects of hanger as it can cause you to lash out at anyone within eyesight or earshot. I often suffer from hanger so I find that eating at regular intervals helps stop the insanity. Anyway I digress! So I've come home, gotten some food in my belly and I've yoga-fied my clothes and I head to my first beginner class. I suppose I should have noticed straight away when I came in that these people were a different kind of beginner. Everyone had already begun stretching and bending and there was one guy that was in a sort of split and I thought that maybe he had been castrated because I had no idea where his junk was, it didn't seem physically possible for it to fit in the non existent space between him and the yoga mat. This was all before the class had even started!
So I did the few normal person style stretches I know to prepare myself to become limber. That is when class began and it began with chanting. I'm gonna be honest chanting freaks me out a little bit but I was trying to keep an open mind so I stood there while the weirdos chanted. Then the vigorous stretching began in the form of this praying hands to jump up, squat thrust, upward dog, downward dog fast paced sequence all called out in a language that I am not familiar with. Now the teacher is walking around the room and helping the "beginners" and I'm using this term loosely, with their posture. There was no one for me to follow except the other people in the class who all seemed to be going at their own super fast pace, so I'm staring at my neighbours like I'm cheating on a test. I'm trying to follow these pro ninja yoga "beginners" and let's just say I'm not having the best luck and I feel like a bit of a tool and I am pretty sure that I look like a bit of a tool as well! Now I'm not going to India to enrol in Yoga teacher school any time soon but I could always follow along in other classes that I've taken before. The main down side to this class is that there is no freaking teacher to follow which is why I'm finding it slightly problematic!
This class was like a super advanced, everyone has memorised an entire hour and a half long sequence and apparently speaks some Hindu class (which is the norm for Pro Ninjas, but I find quite amazing and rather scary). Had they advertised the class as Pro Ninja Beginner Yoga I probably would have started in another class with other non super human beginners that are also not currently able to bend over and touch their toes. Let alone turn themselves into a pretzel where their head is almost touching their bum and they are holding their body in the air in this pretzel form with only their hands touching the ground. I am pretty sure that only Jesus should be able to do that because it's almost like levitating which is pretty much magic. Seriously, who are these people and in what universe are they considered beginners? I'm obviously in the Navy Seals / SAS beginner class. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps they have all grown up in India with master yogi's as parents and that is why they are able to levitate at such a relatively young age?I cheat my way through class by copying my neighbours when I can keep up with them. I probably should have found an injured person who was going at a slower rehabilitative pace but I didn't realise that I would need to do that until after the chanting. We arrive at my favourite part of the class which is called "mediation" but loosely translates into lie down, sleepy, relaxy time. Now, I am totally awesome at this part. I'm so relaxed that I have fallen asleep and woken myself up with my own snoring. Sweet. At the end of class I stay late to ask the teacher if this is really the right class for me, seeing as how these people may have all previously worked for the circus as contortionists, and she said "oh don't worry about the chanting". Now, I'm not at all concerned about the chanting. It freaks me out a little bit and I do not plan on participating anytime soon other than the odd Ohm Shanti every now and again but I'm really more concerned with making my head touch my knees while my entire body weight is resting only on the palms of my hands but um yeah thanks lady I won't worry about the chanting!!!